Its been about 4 months since I've written. Yep, I'm so far behind in everything that I'm buried deep in things I need to do but am currently ignoring. But now it is time to share details of what this is all about-the exploration of self, gender and sexuality. Also, it might get a little 'graphic' later on in the post, so I apologize if there is an issue. I'm just being frank about the subject.
At home I've pretty much talked to everyone (except my brother, who knows) about my crossdressing. My brother's fiancee had a conversation with me about it as well as another issue that arose out of her leaving the house and seemingly dumping my brother. Most of it revolved around the crossdressing aspect and she did say that I had taken some of her stuff. My charge was guilty on one count: there was a pair of pajama pants that had been sitting near the laundry thing for several days and lets just say I didn't expect her to come in my room to search through my stuff. She also accused me of stealing two of her panties to which I was not guilty. The amusing thing is that we had independently bought the same size and pack. One time I was moving her laundry and I came across her pair (which at the time I didn't know was hers). Of course, I started to panic. But through my deductive powers and the ability to find the second panty, I had proof that it was not mine. True, its things like that which drive me insane and scare me to the point of being found out, but over the last six months or so I stopped caring. My brother's fiancee has seen me wear other things and she knew about it for awhile before she went ahead and talked to me. She seems fine and I'll take that as a means to be a little less guarded around the house, even though I still hold reservations about her and also walking around the house crossdressed. I just don't want it to be an issue with my mother, who I feel as though she disapproves. I inherited a large majority of her morals so I can see what would make her uncomfortable about my actions and choices, so I don't openly crossdress whilst my parents are around.
Earlier this week I did talk to one of my best friends about the somewhat secretive side of me. I was over at her house and she was looking at a clothing site and I got sucked into the fashion trap. I'm not really knowledgeable about fashion, but it doesn't mean that it's not interesting. Also, the dresses were reaaaaally pretty. So I figured that was a decent time to elaborate on my gender issues which were mentioned a few days earlier. I was kind of surprised at how supportive she seemed. She too holds some conservative beliefs but they aren't as strong as her parents. But I tried to explain to her a decent amount of things and it came to my attention that there were a few trends with the conversation:
-Where did it come from and how it effects my sexuality and
-Where is it going and is it going to be in my future?
The answer for the first one is a long blog post in itself, so I'll defer that one for next time. The second one's answer is in line with the idea of trying to figure out what I am and who I am. I don't feel that I fit the typical ideas of gender and most of my friends don't either. I don't hang out with feminine females or masculine males. They're mostly nerdy folk that are interested in rather distinct subsets. But it doesn't necessarily mean that they don't identify with their biological gender. I feel that sometimes I do and it would be easy to place me in the pseudomasculine male gender, but I reject it. I feel that the generations that exist are free to choose whatever gender or culture they belong to, but there's still some restrictions. If I went towards genderqueer, there'd certainly be some alienation experienced from my friends and strangers. But I feel that might be the path I want to take.
In terms of gender, its more clear cut. Sexuality is a different ballgame. Whenever I think about sex, I'm thinking about being the one being penetrated. Would traditional sex and being in that moment 'excite' me? I am not sure and I don't feel that I'm willing to find out right now (that morality kicking in). A large amount of what I'd need to overcome to get to that point (unless I'm randomly hooking up or paying for sex with a prostitute, both of which are pretty much not going to happen, barring crazy circumstances) is just a lot of the tangle that is my sexuality. I love the female body and almost all the aspects of it (the vagina is the one thing that isn't something that I'm interested in... mainly because its hidden by awesome amounts of clothes), but is that feeling sexual? Whenever I see an attractive woman, my brain gets stimulated in a way that is unique in terms of how my brain works. Its not that sexual, but rather its a great thing to look at an attractive female but my brain has no idea how to process it. It doesn't arouse, doesn't turn to thoughts of sex. Maybe I think that I want to be her or just thoughts of admiration, but it certainly isn't about sex. I don't know how normal people operate in terms of the sexuality of 'objects' observed, but this either shows my transvestic fetishism or the source of my issues.
So sex is out of the picture, but self representing? I've done some 'crossdressing' in public in the past. I wear non-male socks all the time and I've walked around in female jeans. Am I going to go further than that? A lot of it is going to do with how comfortable I'm going to be. I'm not going to be attractive at all. I doubt I'd ever pass as a female do to my sheer size (6 ft, 280 lbs) but that shouldn't have much of an impact. I guess that I'd be more self conscious about ones that expose my shoulders (because my big shoulders are absolutely disgusting as well as too hairy) and that are tighter around my upper half. I'm sure I'll figure out what to do with the top half one of these days. Also, maybe I'll get my ears pierced :D.
Alright, time for a nap before work, so hopefully made sense there,