I read quite a bit yesterday. Metafilter is an excellent site that contains some people who are interested in gender issues, which obviously is something that interests me. This time the link was to an author whose spouse transitioned and the whole story around that ( here is the series.) I couldn't stop reading the story of her spouse, who was a pastor, work through the gender dysphoria to get to where she felt she needed to be. But that wasn't the reason I was drawn to it. Melissa writings and feelings about the entire situation as well as her faith during those times really struck a chord. When we are younger and filled with a system of faith that tells us how life is going to be, it really does cause a lot of stress and debate inside. And this debate hasn't really been resolved in my mind-I am not at peace. There's a lot of residual effects of faith in God, faith in American society, faith in the institutions that keep bringing me down. And through Melissa's writing, I see that drain that her childhood has left on the situation that she is at right now.
But the thing is it seems to end well. I am by no means going to say I know the story or how it goes. I can't make judgments. But at least with the end of her Unwrapping the Onion series, it seemed like things were as good as life could be. Where I am going with this is that at a time, I thought I was going to end up doing great things for God, most likely going into Christian radio, allowing people to hear quality Christian rock which I loved so much. Then came college, and I didn't pursue that dream. The dream became to graduate and find a woman to marry. And during that time I went through a dark time in my faith and sanity, being diagnosed with depression and having many problems with school and living away from home. And then I bounced back from that, running a bible study with a few people that was one of the more intense religious things I was into. During that time one of my coleaders and friends (who I had helped his relationship with) tried to help me with my anger issues and my crossdressing. During this time I fell into the idea that if I act and try to do things for God, I'd be closer to him. There was a lot of passion there, but I couldn't do it because I couldn't 'fully submit' to God. At this point of six or so months of playing believer, it lead me to give up on actively pursuing faith. And then everything else kind of fell into place. More depression, more struggling at school, more not meeting expectations of my grandparents, more not giving a shit. I was still learning, still reading, still being involved in friends' lives, but things had changed. I never dated anyone in college. After 4.5 years, I gave up on passing the final two classes in order to graduate. Its been a whole year since my last class and it has seemed like even longer. There are occasional dreams of doing something, but nothing sticks. The dreams around me no longer work out.
I've got a friend who got a degree in theology. He's working at menards. I've got a friend who has several degrees, one in Criminal Justice. He's looking to get into work in warehouses because he is sick and tired of fast food. The dreams of these people are not really being met by the reality of the workplace. What would my degree in sociology got me? Probably nothing other than a paper worth $30,000 of debt. Most people who encourage me to go back and finish the degree try to motivate me to do it, but to me it is like investing more into a lost cause. Accomplishment does not motivate me. The American dream of making money doesn't give me any motivation. We're all stuck in a world where our dreams are not the reality. And what are we to do?
I wish I could break free. I'm stuck being depressed by many things. I'm held back by the shackles of faith, the shackles of society, the shackles of expectations. And where I think I am going is away from all of those. Happiness can no longer be found in being a heterosexual male with a heterosexual female for a spouse, working 40 hours a week in a job that pays well with my college degree and my house that I can almost afford. Happiness is not going to be found in a world where politics is played by power brokers, where society is manipulated to buy, where people are actively discriminated against. I have no interest in the game that has been set up to me. I am no longer the person who was called to be a servant of Christ. I am no longer the person who was called to buy into this country. It is time for me to break free.
If only breaking free was easy.
I worry alot, and I worry about what I am doing. Is it wrong? What if God is real, and his rules are as the way I was taught. What if it is all just my depression speaking? What if I was convinced through experience and searching for who I am that I might be interested in transitioning to female and find out what I was doing isn't right? I'd feel like I'd be wasting my time, even if everything was okay in the end. It's just so hard to let go of the old paths, the old dreams, the old realities.
But I know that no matter what I do, I am chasing being right with who I am and who I want to be. There is happiness on the other side.
-
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
The Rereturn
I'm back.
I'm not going to fool myself by thinking my return will send out monumental shock waves around the blogosphere, but I'm hoping to get more involved. Some things have changed. For example...
I don't really want to identify with any specific term outside of transgender (or, pertaining to gender variations). Crossdressing, autogynephilia and genderqueer groups just seem a little too rigid with certain rules to play by. I'm interested in being true to myself as well as not being confined by the politics that occurs inside these groups.
I'm also trying to go with more of an androgynous look. I shave my body and facial hair as often as possible. Since it is currently winter, I can get away with wearing a bra underneath my light jacket. I no longer wear white socks, opting for more colorful options. But when the summer comes along, I still don't know what I'm going to be doing in terms of gender presentation. I shouldn't worry about it, but I feel that I'm going to make a decision on what way to go. I am sure that I am not going to be going out in dresses in makeup, but I can forsee maybe some mascara and nail polish on my fingernails. Just enough to give a finger to heteronormativity.
Another thing is that I'm trying to better myself. I'm looking to solve my credit card debt so I can eventually be able to live closer to a real adult life. Hopefully I'll be able to establish money and stability by adding a new job or finding a great one to replace my current one. It is hard to be optimistic about finding a good job, because I am not used to working 40 hours or having a set schedule or even normal discipline, but I'm more willing than ever. I need to step it up so I can live a productive life. So along with that goalsetting, I'm cutting down on my purchases of clothing and makeup. At this point, there is no reason to buy more clothes. In fact, I need to get rid of quite a bit of clothes. I've bought a lot and I don't wear enough as often to warrant their space in my wardrobe, so it's best to work towards getting organized. And another facet is bringing exercise and healthier eating into my lifestyle, just to aid in the process of getting more stable.
And now to the more important thing, I hope to get more involved in the community of the trans. I've been a lurker for quite some time, so I need to get involved, start forging relationships and responses to blog posts. Hope this is one of those things that I challenge myself to do, to better get to the bottom of everything.
thanks for your time,
bailey
I'm not going to fool myself by thinking my return will send out monumental shock waves around the blogosphere, but I'm hoping to get more involved. Some things have changed. For example...
I don't really want to identify with any specific term outside of transgender (or, pertaining to gender variations). Crossdressing, autogynephilia and genderqueer groups just seem a little too rigid with certain rules to play by. I'm interested in being true to myself as well as not being confined by the politics that occurs inside these groups.
I'm also trying to go with more of an androgynous look. I shave my body and facial hair as often as possible. Since it is currently winter, I can get away with wearing a bra underneath my light jacket. I no longer wear white socks, opting for more colorful options. But when the summer comes along, I still don't know what I'm going to be doing in terms of gender presentation. I shouldn't worry about it, but I feel that I'm going to make a decision on what way to go. I am sure that I am not going to be going out in dresses in makeup, but I can forsee maybe some mascara and nail polish on my fingernails. Just enough to give a finger to heteronormativity.
Another thing is that I'm trying to better myself. I'm looking to solve my credit card debt so I can eventually be able to live closer to a real adult life. Hopefully I'll be able to establish money and stability by adding a new job or finding a great one to replace my current one. It is hard to be optimistic about finding a good job, because I am not used to working 40 hours or having a set schedule or even normal discipline, but I'm more willing than ever. I need to step it up so I can live a productive life. So along with that goalsetting, I'm cutting down on my purchases of clothing and makeup. At this point, there is no reason to buy more clothes. In fact, I need to get rid of quite a bit of clothes. I've bought a lot and I don't wear enough as often to warrant their space in my wardrobe, so it's best to work towards getting organized. And another facet is bringing exercise and healthier eating into my lifestyle, just to aid in the process of getting more stable.
And now to the more important thing, I hope to get more involved in the community of the trans. I've been a lurker for quite some time, so I need to get involved, start forging relationships and responses to blog posts. Hope this is one of those things that I challenge myself to do, to better get to the bottom of everything.
thanks for your time,
bailey
Friday, July 29, 2011
The Update
Its been about 4 months since I've written. Yep, I'm so far behind in everything that I'm buried deep in things I need to do but am currently ignoring. But now it is time to share details of what this is all about-the exploration of self, gender and sexuality. Also, it might get a little 'graphic' later on in the post, so I apologize if there is an issue. I'm just being frank about the subject.
At home I've pretty much talked to everyone (except my brother, who knows) about my crossdressing. My brother's fiancee had a conversation with me about it as well as another issue that arose out of her leaving the house and seemingly dumping my brother. Most of it revolved around the crossdressing aspect and she did say that I had taken some of her stuff. My charge was guilty on one count: there was a pair of pajama pants that had been sitting near the laundry thing for several days and lets just say I didn't expect her to come in my room to search through my stuff. She also accused me of stealing two of her panties to which I was not guilty. The amusing thing is that we had independently bought the same size and pack. One time I was moving her laundry and I came across her pair (which at the time I didn't know was hers). Of course, I started to panic. But through my deductive powers and the ability to find the second panty, I had proof that it was not mine. True, its things like that which drive me insane and scare me to the point of being found out, but over the last six months or so I stopped caring. My brother's fiancee has seen me wear other things and she knew about it for awhile before she went ahead and talked to me. She seems fine and I'll take that as a means to be a little less guarded around the house, even though I still hold reservations about her and also walking around the house crossdressed. I just don't want it to be an issue with my mother, who I feel as though she disapproves. I inherited a large majority of her morals so I can see what would make her uncomfortable about my actions and choices, so I don't openly crossdress whilst my parents are around.
Earlier this week I did talk to one of my best friends about the somewhat secretive side of me. I was over at her house and she was looking at a clothing site and I got sucked into the fashion trap. I'm not really knowledgeable about fashion, but it doesn't mean that it's not interesting. Also, the dresses were reaaaaally pretty. So I figured that was a decent time to elaborate on my gender issues which were mentioned a few days earlier. I was kind of surprised at how supportive she seemed. She too holds some conservative beliefs but they aren't as strong as her parents. But I tried to explain to her a decent amount of things and it came to my attention that there were a few trends with the conversation:
-Where did it come from and how it effects my sexuality and
-Where is it going and is it going to be in my future?
The answer for the first one is a long blog post in itself, so I'll defer that one for next time. The second one's answer is in line with the idea of trying to figure out what I am and who I am. I don't feel that I fit the typical ideas of gender and most of my friends don't either. I don't hang out with feminine females or masculine males. They're mostly nerdy folk that are interested in rather distinct subsets. But it doesn't necessarily mean that they don't identify with their biological gender. I feel that sometimes I do and it would be easy to place me in the pseudomasculine male gender, but I reject it. I feel that the generations that exist are free to choose whatever gender or culture they belong to, but there's still some restrictions. If I went towards genderqueer, there'd certainly be some alienation experienced from my friends and strangers. But I feel that might be the path I want to take.
In terms of gender, its more clear cut. Sexuality is a different ballgame. Whenever I think about sex, I'm thinking about being the one being penetrated. Would traditional sex and being in that moment 'excite' me? I am not sure and I don't feel that I'm willing to find out right now (that morality kicking in). A large amount of what I'd need to overcome to get to that point (unless I'm randomly hooking up or paying for sex with a prostitute, both of which are pretty much not going to happen, barring crazy circumstances) is just a lot of the tangle that is my sexuality. I love the female body and almost all the aspects of it (the vagina is the one thing that isn't something that I'm interested in... mainly because its hidden by awesome amounts of clothes), but is that feeling sexual? Whenever I see an attractive woman, my brain gets stimulated in a way that is unique in terms of how my brain works. Its not that sexual, but rather its a great thing to look at an attractive female but my brain has no idea how to process it. It doesn't arouse, doesn't turn to thoughts of sex. Maybe I think that I want to be her or just thoughts of admiration, but it certainly isn't about sex. I don't know how normal people operate in terms of the sexuality of 'objects' observed, but this either shows my transvestic fetishism or the source of my issues.
So sex is out of the picture, but self representing? I've done some 'crossdressing' in public in the past. I wear non-male socks all the time and I've walked around in female jeans. Am I going to go further than that? A lot of it is going to do with how comfortable I'm going to be. I'm not going to be attractive at all. I doubt I'd ever pass as a female do to my sheer size (6 ft, 280 lbs) but that shouldn't have much of an impact. I guess that I'd be more self conscious about ones that expose my shoulders (because my big shoulders are absolutely disgusting as well as too hairy) and that are tighter around my upper half. I'm sure I'll figure out what to do with the top half one of these days. Also, maybe I'll get my ears pierced :D.
Alright, time for a nap before work, so hopefully made sense there,
loves, baileeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
At home I've pretty much talked to everyone (except my brother, who knows) about my crossdressing. My brother's fiancee had a conversation with me about it as well as another issue that arose out of her leaving the house and seemingly dumping my brother. Most of it revolved around the crossdressing aspect and she did say that I had taken some of her stuff. My charge was guilty on one count: there was a pair of pajama pants that had been sitting near the laundry thing for several days and lets just say I didn't expect her to come in my room to search through my stuff. She also accused me of stealing two of her panties to which I was not guilty. The amusing thing is that we had independently bought the same size and pack. One time I was moving her laundry and I came across her pair (which at the time I didn't know was hers). Of course, I started to panic. But through my deductive powers and the ability to find the second panty, I had proof that it was not mine. True, its things like that which drive me insane and scare me to the point of being found out, but over the last six months or so I stopped caring. My brother's fiancee has seen me wear other things and she knew about it for awhile before she went ahead and talked to me. She seems fine and I'll take that as a means to be a little less guarded around the house, even though I still hold reservations about her and also walking around the house crossdressed. I just don't want it to be an issue with my mother, who I feel as though she disapproves. I inherited a large majority of her morals so I can see what would make her uncomfortable about my actions and choices, so I don't openly crossdress whilst my parents are around.
Earlier this week I did talk to one of my best friends about the somewhat secretive side of me. I was over at her house and she was looking at a clothing site and I got sucked into the fashion trap. I'm not really knowledgeable about fashion, but it doesn't mean that it's not interesting. Also, the dresses were reaaaaally pretty. So I figured that was a decent time to elaborate on my gender issues which were mentioned a few days earlier. I was kind of surprised at how supportive she seemed. She too holds some conservative beliefs but they aren't as strong as her parents. But I tried to explain to her a decent amount of things and it came to my attention that there were a few trends with the conversation:
-Where did it come from and how it effects my sexuality and
-Where is it going and is it going to be in my future?
The answer for the first one is a long blog post in itself, so I'll defer that one for next time. The second one's answer is in line with the idea of trying to figure out what I am and who I am. I don't feel that I fit the typical ideas of gender and most of my friends don't either. I don't hang out with feminine females or masculine males. They're mostly nerdy folk that are interested in rather distinct subsets. But it doesn't necessarily mean that they don't identify with their biological gender. I feel that sometimes I do and it would be easy to place me in the pseudomasculine male gender, but I reject it. I feel that the generations that exist are free to choose whatever gender or culture they belong to, but there's still some restrictions. If I went towards genderqueer, there'd certainly be some alienation experienced from my friends and strangers. But I feel that might be the path I want to take.
In terms of gender, its more clear cut. Sexuality is a different ballgame. Whenever I think about sex, I'm thinking about being the one being penetrated. Would traditional sex and being in that moment 'excite' me? I am not sure and I don't feel that I'm willing to find out right now (that morality kicking in). A large amount of what I'd need to overcome to get to that point (unless I'm randomly hooking up or paying for sex with a prostitute, both of which are pretty much not going to happen, barring crazy circumstances) is just a lot of the tangle that is my sexuality. I love the female body and almost all the aspects of it (the vagina is the one thing that isn't something that I'm interested in... mainly because its hidden by awesome amounts of clothes), but is that feeling sexual? Whenever I see an attractive woman, my brain gets stimulated in a way that is unique in terms of how my brain works. Its not that sexual, but rather its a great thing to look at an attractive female but my brain has no idea how to process it. It doesn't arouse, doesn't turn to thoughts of sex. Maybe I think that I want to be her or just thoughts of admiration, but it certainly isn't about sex. I don't know how normal people operate in terms of the sexuality of 'objects' observed, but this either shows my transvestic fetishism or the source of my issues.
So sex is out of the picture, but self representing? I've done some 'crossdressing' in public in the past. I wear non-male socks all the time and I've walked around in female jeans. Am I going to go further than that? A lot of it is going to do with how comfortable I'm going to be. I'm not going to be attractive at all. I doubt I'd ever pass as a female do to my sheer size (6 ft, 280 lbs) but that shouldn't have much of an impact. I guess that I'd be more self conscious about ones that expose my shoulders (because my big shoulders are absolutely disgusting as well as too hairy) and that are tighter around my upper half. I'm sure I'll figure out what to do with the top half one of these days. Also, maybe I'll get my ears pierced :D.
Alright, time for a nap before work, so hopefully made sense there,
loves, baileeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Monday, March 28, 2011
What's in a name?
As you know, my current names for myself are Russell and Rebecca. As who I am is changing, I'm looking towards a new name, one that is more androgynous. I googled androgynous names and it came up with quite a few sites that compile a list of the unisex names. http://www.babynamesgarden.com/unisex-names/2009.aspx is one of the links that I used to search through the options, and let me say that there isn't much, especially if you take into account meaning.
Lets first look at what I currently have. Russell is a version of Rufus (apparently), which means Red Head. Nope, not a read head. So then, I looked at Rebecca, which I knew was biblical. It means "servant of God". Yeah, that's not my cup of tea either.
So looking at the short short list of unisex/androgynous names of babies in the last few years I've got Bailey and Avery. Bailey means bailiff and Avery has to do with elves. Yeah, not exactly some sort of meaning that I was looking for in a name.
Another issue with these sites is that they don't go back far enough. I'd like around the early 90s data, but these sites that pop up early in google aren't exactly telling me what is what. Maybe I can find some better luck.
Either way, tell me what you think, maybe come up with some suggestion for me because I'm not necessarily set on something. I'm just looking for a name that I can use to unite the two names together rather than go Russell/Rebecca all the time (or some of the time).
Also, if you would like to add me on facebook, my facebook is facebook.com/bluelightsandsunshine. If there is a problem (as in you can't see it), let me know. I made it rather private to limit the amount of people who can see it and who my friends are on it. Its not my main one, but I'll be on it during the week, so I can converse with people.
Much love,
r.r.
Lets first look at what I currently have. Russell is a version of Rufus (apparently), which means Red Head. Nope, not a read head. So then, I looked at Rebecca, which I knew was biblical. It means "servant of God". Yeah, that's not my cup of tea either.
So looking at the short short list of unisex/androgynous names of babies in the last few years I've got Bailey and Avery. Bailey means bailiff and Avery has to do with elves. Yeah, not exactly some sort of meaning that I was looking for in a name.
Another issue with these sites is that they don't go back far enough. I'd like around the early 90s data, but these sites that pop up early in google aren't exactly telling me what is what. Maybe I can find some better luck.
Either way, tell me what you think, maybe come up with some suggestion for me because I'm not necessarily set on something. I'm just looking for a name that I can use to unite the two names together rather than go Russell/Rebecca all the time (or some of the time).
Also, if you would like to add me on facebook, my facebook is facebook.com/bluelightsandsunshine. If there is a problem (as in you can't see it), let me know. I made it rather private to limit the amount of people who can see it and who my friends are on it. Its not my main one, but I'll be on it during the week, so I can converse with people.
Much love,
r.r.
The Old Road
[Mood Music from Mesa Verde's The Old Road]
The Old Road
Since I will soon be graduating college and moving on with my life, I wonder what I'll be doing in the future. Let me put it this way: I'll be able to have a bit more freedom in a sense because I will have graduated from a moderately restrictive Christian school. Surprisingly, there has been no one who has written me up for my hair length (for males, hair shouldn't be touching the shoulders) and I have not pushed the dress code further than that. I've done smaller, less noticable things such as underdressing and painting my nails with clear nail polish, but I have been afraid of repercussions at this point to go any further, such as getting a more feminine haircut. But once I graduate, options are going to open up for me. Other than not having a job option other than the lame one I have now, I some freedom in where I can go. I can stay near my college if I would like and try to get a foot in the door in dealing with antiques or working at the local cat shelter. Or I can stick around my hometown, live with my parents and keep the current job that I have while looking for another. Cheaper, hell yes. But I don't think my parents will look too fondly on the way my appearance would change.
And the same would probably go the same with my friends. I have a decent sized group of friends in both areas, but I feel that I'd be closer to the one around my parent's house. I spend quite a bit of time over at their houses. But out of all the friends at home, I have yet to tell them about my crossdressing or my androgynous ambitions. My sister knows the most out of all the people I have told, but outside of my parents knowing small details, I'm pretty much in the closet in that sense. And the same could be said about my friends that live around town at the college I go to. They don't know about my desires or my abnormal sexuality outside of what they can extrapolate about being a crossdresser. So in that sense, I'm probably mostly in the closet, living a life modified by the fear of being ostracized by those who matter to me and experiencing general discomfort.
Either way, things aren't where I'd like them to be. I don't necessarily like living in my room dressed alone. I don't know what I'd like per se because I am still fearful of what the outside world would think of me if I went out dressed (because I doubt that I can really pass at all, being 6 feet tall and rather overweight) and interacted with people. The most public crossdressing I do is while driving to and from school. I usually wear something underneath my light jacket and as soon as I hit rural areas during the drive (night is preferable to day, less chance of being seen) I remove it and have my top half 'free'. I'd like to do stuff with my lower half, but switching into a skirt is a little too risky. And since I wear these clothes underneath while driving, I do leave my car with the clothes underneath, not necessarily the most visible, but there nonetheless. I sometimes wear a push up bra that is most certainly pronounced while wearing my light jacket, but I have yet to get comments or discernable confusion from the people or workers I come across.
[NOTE: I apologize if the last paragraph is rather "train of thought". I feel that it adequately explains my dressing activities, even if it is a mess of a paragraph. I apologize for headaches.]
So the question becomes what comes next. Do I don a skirt and hang out with friends? Do I apply mascara and work with my nails painted whatever color I choose? I've always had a problem with expressing myself, so it will be a change of pace in that way. I also am insecure about my relationships, so silly things as of how I present myself or behave constantly worry me . These things are important to recognize as impeding my actual and desired self. But how much do I want to overcome them? What matters most to me?
This is where I look past the old road and walk a new one,
Russell/Rebecca Reichert
Either way, things aren't where I'd like them to be. I don't necessarily like living in my room dressed alone. I don't know what I'd like per se because I am still fearful of what the outside world would think of me if I went out dressed (because I doubt that I can really pass at all, being 6 feet tall and rather overweight) and interacted with people. The most public crossdressing I do is while driving to and from school. I usually wear something underneath my light jacket and as soon as I hit rural areas during the drive (night is preferable to day, less chance of being seen) I remove it and have my top half 'free'. I'd like to do stuff with my lower half, but switching into a skirt is a little too risky. And since I wear these clothes underneath while driving, I do leave my car with the clothes underneath, not necessarily the most visible, but there nonetheless. I sometimes wear a push up bra that is most certainly pronounced while wearing my light jacket, but I have yet to get comments or discernable confusion from the people or workers I come across.
[NOTE: I apologize if the last paragraph is rather "train of thought". I feel that it adequately explains my dressing activities, even if it is a mess of a paragraph. I apologize for headaches.]
So the question becomes what comes next. Do I don a skirt and hang out with friends? Do I apply mascara and work with my nails painted whatever color I choose? I've always had a problem with expressing myself, so it will be a change of pace in that way. I also am insecure about my relationships, so silly things as of how I present myself or behave constantly worry me . These things are important to recognize as impeding my actual and desired self. But how much do I want to overcome them? What matters most to me?
This is where I look past the old road and walk a new one,
Russell/Rebecca Reichert
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Post Gender
I enjoy philosophy. I also enjoy music. So when a song is titled "Post Youth", I think of postmodernism. And then I think of other terms that I feel would fit the 'post' category. As vague as postmodernism can be, I feel that it can provide a great example for those of us gender or sexual deviants (I use this term without negative connotation, but rather as literally "those who deviate"), especially when looking past androgyny or asexuality. I've never been a fan of labels because of their lack of being able to fit a large group of people (or those who don't fall into the traditional categories) but I do feel that I can and will label myself "Post Gender"
Now, with post gender, I say that this silly 'masculine' and 'feminine' shit that ends up being the norm ends up draining us that have to look to find out who the hell we are. Post gender is beyond the petty identification of physical, personality, and mental traits and just allows us to be who we are: a human that is a construction of the many influences of gender that culminates in some unbalanced individual. The traditional male and female archetypes perpetrated by the culture (specifically of my own, the American one) are constantly being attacked from all sides, but still it feels like I must choose between the two or even something else. Transgender? I don't fit the traditional trans narrative either. So I feel that the best way to go is past the gender and just be someone who is learning and accepting their gender. The depth of who I am and what my gender is is deeper than the categories that have been given to me, so I reject them.
I am post gender
-R. Reichert
Now, with post gender, I say that this silly 'masculine' and 'feminine' shit that ends up being the norm ends up draining us that have to look to find out who the hell we are. Post gender is beyond the petty identification of physical, personality, and mental traits and just allows us to be who we are: a human that is a construction of the many influences of gender that culminates in some unbalanced individual. The traditional male and female archetypes perpetrated by the culture (specifically of my own, the American one) are constantly being attacked from all sides, but still it feels like I must choose between the two or even something else. Transgender? I don't fit the traditional trans narrative either. So I feel that the best way to go is past the gender and just be someone who is learning and accepting their gender. The depth of who I am and what my gender is is deeper than the categories that have been given to me, so I reject them.
I am post gender
-R. Reichert
Monday, February 28, 2011
The Things You Remember
Throughout my life I've had things that stick out in my memory for some odd reason. For example, my freshman year in high school I had this girl in my class who I thought was cute. I, being naturally shy, never really did talk to her and after my freshman year, she disappeared. I remembered her for some reason, like it was important for some reason to remember her, and lo and behold, my freshman year of college I recognize her. I felt like that it was some sort of important thing that I remembered her or held some sort of unexplained interest in her, but due to my shy nature I still did not speak to her. I'm not much of a conversationalist anyway. But this is an example of some of those things that strangely stick out in my memory. I don't necessarily ascribe it to some higher power or as a guiding path, but it makes things interesting, especially using my next example.
I can't say how old I was, but I might have been around 10 years old. My family had gone to one of the local Blockbusters in the area for whatever reason and I remember that I was wandering around by myself. The one thing from that trip that sticks out in my memory was when I came across a certain movie. The movie, which I now realize was Dr. Jeckyl and Ms. Hyde, had a man turning into a woman on the cover. I believe that I was able to remember the gist of the title all these years, but I cannot honestly remember if that was added later on or not. But anyways, this movie stuck out to me before I had any idea what my interests in sexuality, being and other stuff were. Of course when I got around to expressing my interest in TG transformations, I hunted down this movie (as well as the Mountain Dew "Change" commercial) to experience it. I'd spend time searching on the menu of the satellite company to see if this movie was playing so I could watch it. I never did get to fully watch it because of my fear that the parents would wonder what I was doing, but I did manage to find a VHS of Dr. Jeckyl and Ms. Hyde (which I no longer have due to an earlier purge of all my items).
Now you may all wonder what this has to do with everything, but I figure I'd share this experience with you-it is something in my memory that sticks out as my first experience as being attracted towards the transgender. As far as I can remember, my early childhood wasn't filled with experiences of crossdressing or pretending to be female until 10 or so, when I would imagine that I have the Transmorgriphier from Calvin & Hobbes which would allow me to become whatever I wanted. I would transform into animals and females under the safety of my blanket. These were the earliest experiences that I can remember before my first experimentations with crossdressing, being female and sexuality.
Hopefully this sheds some light on where I came from. I don't tend to remember all that much about my youth because it wasn't a good one. I had a speech problem at an early age and I was also overweight, so my early days weren't exactly filled with good social interactions. Also, my mother had cancer sometime around when I was 8, and those weren't good times for me. I'd spend days after school with my siblings with my grandparents, oblivious to what exactly was going on with my mother. Things weren't easy and there wasn't much to necessarily remember. I can't get a timeline down all that well for some external things, but these were the earliest memories that I could share with you readers.
Much love
Russell/Rebecca
I can't say how old I was, but I might have been around 10 years old. My family had gone to one of the local Blockbusters in the area for whatever reason and I remember that I was wandering around by myself. The one thing from that trip that sticks out in my memory was when I came across a certain movie. The movie, which I now realize was Dr. Jeckyl and Ms. Hyde, had a man turning into a woman on the cover. I believe that I was able to remember the gist of the title all these years, but I cannot honestly remember if that was added later on or not. But anyways, this movie stuck out to me before I had any idea what my interests in sexuality, being and other stuff were. Of course when I got around to expressing my interest in TG transformations, I hunted down this movie (as well as the Mountain Dew "Change" commercial) to experience it. I'd spend time searching on the menu of the satellite company to see if this movie was playing so I could watch it. I never did get to fully watch it because of my fear that the parents would wonder what I was doing, but I did manage to find a VHS of Dr. Jeckyl and Ms. Hyde (which I no longer have due to an earlier purge of all my items).
Now you may all wonder what this has to do with everything, but I figure I'd share this experience with you-it is something in my memory that sticks out as my first experience as being attracted towards the transgender. As far as I can remember, my early childhood wasn't filled with experiences of crossdressing or pretending to be female until 10 or so, when I would imagine that I have the Transmorgriphier from Calvin & Hobbes which would allow me to become whatever I wanted. I would transform into animals and females under the safety of my blanket. These were the earliest experiences that I can remember before my first experimentations with crossdressing, being female and sexuality.
Hopefully this sheds some light on where I came from. I don't tend to remember all that much about my youth because it wasn't a good one. I had a speech problem at an early age and I was also overweight, so my early days weren't exactly filled with good social interactions. Also, my mother had cancer sometime around when I was 8, and those weren't good times for me. I'd spend days after school with my siblings with my grandparents, oblivious to what exactly was going on with my mother. Things weren't easy and there wasn't much to necessarily remember. I can't get a timeline down all that well for some external things, but these were the earliest memories that I could share with you readers.
Much love
Russell/Rebecca
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